Random Humor

Lists, Stories, OneLiners.

Hmmm Drinks.

. Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder." --Anonymous bumper sticker
. I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra
. The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --William Butler Yeats
. An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --Ernest Hemingway
. Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway
. Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
. Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce
. Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --Anonymous
. Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls. -- Ross Levy
. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields
. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields
. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
. Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. -- Michelle Mastrolacasa
. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits
. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright
. When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to
heaven! -- Brian O'Rourke
. You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa
. Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill
. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin
. The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
. Why is American beer served cold?So you can distinguish it from urine. --David Moulton
. Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm
. I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer. --Homer Simpson
. All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

Applicable around the office


. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again
. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
. How about never? Is never good for you?
. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
. No, my powers can only be used for good.
. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

Famous Last Quotes

Waiting are they? Waiting are they? Well--let 'em wait.
In response to an attending doctor who attempted to comfort him by saying,
"General, I fear the angels are waiting for you."
~~ Ethan Allen, American Revolutionary general, d. 1789

Codeine . . . bourbon.
~~ Tallulah Bankhead, actress, d. December 12, 1968

Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.
~~ Ludwig van Beethoven, composer, d. March 23, 1827

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
~~ Humphrey Bogart, actor, d. January 14, 1957

I am not the least afraid to die.
~~ Charles Darwin, d. April 19, 1982

No, I shall not give in. I shall go on. I shall work to the end.
~~ Edward VII, King of England, d. 1910

God will pardon me, that's his line of work.
~~ Heinrich Heine, poet, d. February 15, 1856

I see black light.
~~ Victor Hugo, writer, d. May 22, 1885

Let us cross over the river and sit in the shade of the trees.
Killed in error by his own troops at the battle of Chancellorsville during the US Civil War.
~~ General Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson, d. 1863

A King should die standing.
~~ Louis XVIII, King of France, d. 1824

Why do you weep. Did you think I was immortal?
~~ Louis XIV, King of France, d. 1715

Let's cool it brothers . . .
Spoken to his assassins, 3 men who shot him 16 times.
~~ Malcolm X, Black leader, d. 1966

Lord help my poor soul.
~~ Edgar Allan Poe, writer, d. October 7, 1849

I love you Sarah. For all eternity, I love you.
Spoken to his wife.
~~ James K. Polk, US President, d. 1849

I have a terrific headache.
He died of a cerebral hemorrhage.
~~ Franklin Delano Roosevelt, US President, d. 1945

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist. . . .
Killed in battle during US Civil War.
~~ General John Sedgwick, Union Commander, d. 1864

Sister, you're trying to keep me alive as an old curiosity, but I'm done, I'm finished, I'm going to die.
Spoken to his nurse.
~~ George Bernard Shaw, playwright, d. November 2, 1950

I've had eighteen straight whiskies, I think that's the record . . .
~~ Dylan Thomas, poet, d. 1953

Moose . . . Indian . . .
~~ Henry David Thoreau, writer, d. May 6, 1862

God bless... God damn.
~~ James Thurber, humorist, d. 1961

Don't worry chief, it will be alright.
~~ Rudolph Valentino, actor, d. August 23, 1926

Woe is me. Me thinks I'm turning into a god.
~~ Vespasian, Roman Emperor, d. 79 AD

I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.
~~ Leonardo da Vinci, artist, d. 1519

Go away. I'm all right.
~~ H. G. Wells, novelist, d. 1946

Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
~~ Oscar Wilde, writer, d. November 30, 1900

You might be a redneck goth if...

your coffin is up on blocks.
your hearse has a shotgun rack
your wife-beater shirt is black.
your coon dogs are named Bela and Lestat.
you have a pair of black latex overalls, with no crotch.
you drink the blood of animals at night, and then sodomize them.
you like Uncle Ben's instead of Anne Rice.
you have hickeys with fang marks.
you check the blood type of your victim with a dipstick.
you don't have two front teeth, but you do have fangs.
your banjo is made of human flesh and bone.
you think Johnny Cash has "pretty lips"
your coffin is lined with a velvet confederate flag
your hearse's horn plays the first few notes of Dixie, in D minor.
your hearse has Playboy mudflaps.
you have a Moon tan line when wearing a short sleeve shirt.
your coffin liner is black and grey plaid.
your hearse is jacked up and sports KC lights.
you smoke cloves in a corncob pipe.
you dye your sheep black.
you midwived the cow your leather boots came from.
you use engine grease insteak of lipstick.
your bull's nose is pierced 6 times.
even your teeth are black.
your hearse has its doors welded shut.
you have a black velvet Elvis painting, postmortem.
you slit your wrists after your sister breaks up with you.
you draw the line at drinkin' the blood o' colored folk.
your closing remark at a funeral is "Y'all come back now, hear?"
your rooster crows at moon rise
your front porch collapsed and would have killed 27 dogs if they weren't already dead
your pick up truck is up on headstones
you have a flatbed hearse barbed wire is not only functional but a fashion statement
you go to the family grave plot to pick up girls.
your coffin has a side-mounted spitoon
you fantasize about your sister while listening to "Sisters of Mercy"
your favorite monster truck is "Grave Digger"
you have a bumper sticker that says "The dead will rise again"
you're too depressed for incest.
you live in a double-wide mausoleum.
you have a copy of "press eject and give me the tape" on 8-track.
your granny crochets your fishnets
you make bondage jewelry out of old tires
you have a red flannel trenchcoat
you brand your cattle with the Bauhaus logo.
you bought Project Pitchfork thinking it was a country album.
your top hat has a "John Deer" patch on the front.
you love Skinny Puppy......with taters and gravy.
you claim that the bullet holes in your broken television set show
your 'artistic side' and reflect your 'distaste for the media'.
you have an Elvira pinup in your outhouse.
someone yells "Hoedown!" and your dominatrix hits the floor.
you have a giant pentagram belt buckle.
you've ever been accused of lying through your fang. (singular)

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body,in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue(something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

HOW STAR WARS WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF IT WERE ANIME

Two words: missile swarms.
Luke would do a lot more screaming.
All the important stuff, like Ben's death, would be repeated three times.
Vader would be at least eight feet tall.
X-wings and Y-wings would transform, and then combine to form a more powerful craft.
The Death Star's superlaser would have an even flashier charge-upsequence.
The destruction of Alderaan would be preceded by idyllic groundside sequences. Then everyone looks up, and BOOOOM. (cf Hiroshima)
When Luke lines up on the exhaust port, he hears Ben's voice. Everything freezes; tight close-up on one of Luke's eyes as the background goes black. "Luke. Trust your feelings."
Yoda would look much like Happosai.
Fans would draw pictures of a naked Luke and Leia embracing after their parentage was revealed. In fact, it might not be revealed untilafter they'd slept together (cue the angst). Jabba the Inju would get a lot more, um, friendly with Slave Girl Leia.
The Emperor would be even taller than Vader.
The Ewoks would be even cuter. (Eeeeeee...)
Lando and the Falcon would be destroyed, probably accompanied by a flashback with lots of cherry blossoms.
Han Solo, being the epitome of American Power, would be blond, carry around a HUGE gun, and scare small children.
Alternately, Han would wear an eyepatch and cape.
The Mon Calimari would have ships that heavily resembled units from the various Darius games. (Giant mechanical FISH!)
Luke would have black hair, and be a lot more negative.
Light sabers would be replaced by katanas or Chinese long-swords that would glow so you could see which was flashing against the black background. The swords would have to be metal, so that injuries could be emphasized with gushing blood.
Chewbacca would have horns, although he might otherwise resemblean upright Mugi.
The Emperor would have tall spiky hair and little bits of things would float upward in slow-mo when he zaps Luke.
Lightsaber scenes wouldn't be 9 (counted!) per 6-hour trilogy, but per half-hour episode.The AT-AT would have claws. BIG ones.
Vader would still be Luke's father, but we would have known about it waaaaay before Luke did.Luke's uncle and aunt would really be alive!
The sandcrawler would have flown.
We'd see the Sarlac's full body.
Leia wouldn't have a band of surgical tape constraining her generously sized breasts in all three movies except for the Metal Bikini scene. For that matter, Leia wouldn't have been wearing a Metal Bikini, either.
The Rancor wouldn't have had a big bold black outline, but it would have drooled MUCH more.
The AT-ST would have been either armless and rounded or armed and squared-off, not armless and squared.
Imperial pilots would have been cloned from the very beginning.
Every time Vader tells some fool that he's underestimating the power of the Dark Side, the bystanders would mutter "Sugee!"
The music and soundtrack would be much worse and less orchestrated, but have singable lyrics.
Greedo wouldn't have been the only one with blue hair.
There wouldn't be Imperial-class Star Destroyers. Super-class Destroyers would be the very bare minimum.
The sound of the Force would have been "DONNNNG!" (a la Akira) instead of "WhwhWhwhWhwhWhwho..."
Three words: Super Deformed Stormtroopers.
Princess Leia would wear a sailor suit...and she would sing.
Vader wouldn't have to squeeze air to kill a guy with the Force. He would just touch him and tell him "You are already dead," followed by gratuitously vile explosions.
Luke's aunt and uncle would run a dojo instead of a farm.
The Millenium Falcon would sport a big skull and crossbones.
Luke wouldn't have to use a rope to jump across a trench. Anime heroes can jump as far as they want to.
Emperor Palpatine would have a daughter. In an amusing mix-up, Luke would be betrothed to her.
Bandai would make kick-ass toys.
R2-D2 would be cuter...and he would fly.
The explosion of the Death Star would be shown with a sequence of watercolor paintings.
C-3PO would be a girl robot...with the hots for Luke.
People would actually drink beer in the cantina.
Luke would not build his own lightsaber. He would have to win it from a demoness who has been imprisoned for thousands of years... and who has the hots for Luke.
Obi Wan Kenobi wouldn't disappear when Vader cuts him down; he'd get sliced in half. It would just take him a couple of seconds to figureitout.
There would be a LOT more walkers.
X-wings would have cool heads-up displays.
Emperor Palatine's legs and lower torso would dissolve into a mass of cables and merge with the new Death Star.
Did I mention Princess Leia's sporty yet feminine powered armor?
Speeder bikes would be replaced by monster-sized racing cycles...withlasers.
Boba Fett would have a bigger part.
A nemesis TIE fighter pilot would defect...and have the hots for Luke.
Luke wouldn't agonize over Vader being his dad until AFTER he killedhim.
The American voice actors would be crap, and the subtitled version would be more expensive.
Series titles would be Star Wars, Star Wars Zeta, and Forever Star Wars Double Zeta. People would argue interminably about the time lineconflicts.
And, last but not least, Imperial Stormtrooper armor would MOST DEFINITELY NEVER, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES,BE WHITE!!!

Samuel L. Jackson is appearing as a Jedi Master in the new Star Wars prequel coming out in May 99.

The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson, "Jedi Master Mace Windu," say in the Star Wars Prequel.
You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.
Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.
This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room... accept no substitutes.
If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.
Feel the Force, motherfucker.
'What' ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on 'What'?
You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
I wouldn't go so far as to say that the motherfucker's a carpet. Yeah Chewie got a hair problem. What's the brother gonna do? He's a wookie.
Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Bad Motherfucker" on it.

A few years ago Charlie Brown and the peanuts gang made a new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special entitled, "why me, Charlie Brown?"
Recently MetLife put out a series of instructional pamphlets which feature the gang dealing contemporary problems. Now that Charlie Brown is dealing with important issues how about Peanuts specials for the 90's:

We learn about VD in: "It burns when I pee, Charlie Brown"
Chuck & the little red-headed girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in: "It's blue, Charlie Brown!"
Is Linus gay? "It's a different kind of love, Charlie Brown"
See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in: "No means no Charlie Brown!"
Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in: "Imo busta cap inyo ass, Charlie Brown"
What goes on the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego "Mr. Clean" in: "gOD told me to do it Charlie Brown"
Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and boosting cars in:"Go blame society, Charlie Brown"

Daily Affirmations

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Bar Translations

Ever try a body shot? (male to female)

I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

I've had like 10 beers already.

I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

Can I have a white Russian? (male)

I'm really gay.

Can I have a white Russian? (female)

I'm really easy.

Bumper Stickers I'd Like to See

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
The more you complain, the longer gOD lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're a bastard
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Lord save me from your followers.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Support vegetarians! More meat for the rest of us.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
(COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

Technology: Workplace Rules and Guidelines

Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."
No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay." Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair.
Talk into your daytimer.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge.
Try to pass them off as your children.
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Put shaving foam on your bosses telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When he/she answers, say "Sqwish."

Things Guys Learn From Action Movies

No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type that want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
If I'm white I will befriend at least one black guy, or one white guy if I'm black. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me halfway through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.
If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.
If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.
If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.
If I am given a surprise attack, I will be attacked by only one or maybe two people at a time, and I will find that I am well-skilled in Karate and Jujitsu, and if all else fails, I will always have one last firearm hidden somewhere on my body.
If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.
While chasing or fleeing from an enemy, I can drive anything with a motor recklessly at 100-130 miles per hour without a seatbelt, with ammunition filling the passenger seat, and nothing will fall out of place. Also, no police will ever catch me; they'll just look in amazement in my direction.

Why our generation is the way it is. - Drug Using Cartoon Suspects

Gargamel (From the Smurfs) -Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?
Olive Oyl -Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she IS always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? They almost made the list for courting her.
He-Man -This is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Animal Abuse.
Yogi and Boo Boo -We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side ? - Are they gay? I mean, take a look at BooBoo. Not that there's anything wrong with that.....
Droopy -The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe.
Daffy Duck -If he isn't using crack, Marion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't work for him. Might for his buddy with Tourettes, Porky, though.
Shaggy -By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats (scooby snacks) consumed per episode smokes pot. And look at the way he and his friends painted that van!

PC WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID:

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
Fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

Lies Told by Graduate Students

My job prospects look really good.
The Department is giving me so much support.
I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
No really. I'll be out of here in only two more years.
Your latest article was so inspiring.
I could never date an undergraduate.
My work has a lot of practical importance.
I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate makes $80.000 a year on Wall Street.

You just might be a graduate student if...

you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
you have ever, for a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopies while researching a single paper.
there is a microfiche reader in the library that you consider "yours."
you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
you consider all papers to be works in progress.
your professors don't really care when you turn in your work anymore.
you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
you reflexively start analyzing those Greeks letters before you realize that it's just a sorority sweatshirt and not an equation.
you find yourself explaining to young children that you are in the "20th" grade.
you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.
you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
you have more photocopy cards than credit cards.
you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication."

DEFINITIONS FROM "THE CYNIC'S DICTIONARY"

ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.
BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.
BULIMIA: Retched excess.
CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.
CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.
CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.
DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.
ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise.
FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.
FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.
GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.
HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge cliches.
JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.
LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.
LECHER: A stud with liver spots.
LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.
LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.
MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.
NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.
NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.
OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for our neighbor's parakeet.
POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.
QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person wating for the opportunity to become an oppressor.
SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.
STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent.
Also SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more money than Guatemala.
STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.
TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e. g. , cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative.
UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.
URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.
VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods, but who now merely lives in disgrace.
WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room. 2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.
X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.
ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.

Techno-Cubie Speak

Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles.
Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media etc. looking for references to one's own name.
Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake.
SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed out and whiny.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome - Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an on-line service's code of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Glazing - Corporate speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"
Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."
Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
Open Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.
Squirt The Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"
Cobweb Site - A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.
It's a Feature - From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located. Don't bother asking him, he's 404.

Driver Identification Chart - How to identify where a driver is from:

One hand on the wheel, one hand on the horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California; with gun in lap: LA
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both feet holding the brake while their buddy takes a leak: Montana
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas City Male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rearview mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.
Junked, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida

Words You Won't Find in the Dictionary, but Should

Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops right ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.
Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.
Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.
Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Office Talk

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits all over everything and then leaves.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. (alternate: Veal Fattening Pens)
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps.

Lists, Stories, OneLiners.

President Clinton's Testimony by Dr. Suess
I did not do it in a car Did not do it in the dark I did not do it in the park I did not do it on a date I did not ever fornicate I did not do it at a dance I did not do it in her pants I did not get beyond first base I did not do it in her face I never did it in a bed If you think that, you've been misled I did not do it with a groan I did not do it on the phone I did not cause her dress to stain I never boinked Suddam Hussein I did not do it with a whip I never fondled Linda Tripp I never acted really silly With volunteers like Kathleen Willey There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher I chased her 'round, but could not catch her No kinky stuff, not on your life I wouldn't even with my wife And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes Was paid for by my right-wing foes And Paula Jones, and those state troopers Are just a bunch of party poopers I did not ask my friends to lie I did not hang them out to dry I did not do it last November But if I did, I don't remember I did not do it in the hall I could have, but I don't recall I never did it in my study I never did it with my dog, buddy I never did it to sox, the cat I might have-once-with Arafat I never did it in a hurry I never groped Ms. Betty Currie I might have copped a little feel And then endeavored to conceal But never did these things so lewd At least, not ever in the nude These things to which I have confessed They do not count, if we stayed dressed It never happened with cigar I never dated Mrs. Starr I did not know this little sin Would be retold on CNN I broke some rules my mama taught me I tried to hide, but now you've caught me But I implore, I do beseech Do not condemn, do not impeach I might have got a little tail But never, ever did I inhale.

Dating a Computer Science Major by Susan Book

When confronted with a computer science major outside of his natural habitat beware. Yes without the computer screen to look at, they may be unaccustomed to natural lighting. Be patient their eyes eventually will adjust. Computer science majors are use to late night programming. Thus caffeine is essential on a date. As you should never try to match out drinking a frat boy, never try to out caffinate a computer science major. You will never win.

Next, dress is not important. The very fact that you agreed to date is conformation enough. Do not overly excite a computer science major. I'm afraid they don't get out much and very seldom see a woman. For this very reason they may compliment you on your fine choice of flannel shirts.

Computer science majors tend to not use the phone. In fact if they don't have 2 phone lines getting through may not ever happen. E-mail is your main method of communication. In that e-mail they may attempt to inform you of their latest programming triumph. Do not let this behavior continue. If allowed, you too may be sucked into the sick world of computer programming.

If for some reason during the date a network game or other video game is used, there are several ways to deal with it. First just because he's playing the game doesn't mean he isn't listening. Often times he actually is and continues on the conversation. If in fact the behavior becomes too intense either learn to play or drop him. This behavior is an addiction and will not be easily quelled by a woman.

Their idea of fun may seem odd to most. If you're an incredibly active person sometimes they can seem downright dull. However, computer science majors are sometimes willing to do new things if asked. Most were high school nerds who were just never asked. They are willing to do things especially if there is a woman involved.

Computer science majors may at first make rude comments about a woman's anatomy. This may be a result of environment perpetuated by science and technology schools. This is completely normal. However in time they realize they aren't very funny. They realize they will never get anywhere if the behavior persists. This is motivation enough in almost all cases. A quick kick in the area of their anatomy also works wonders.

The good thing about dating a computer science major is that they are generally sweet creatures. Most I have found actually open doors and are courteous. The decent ones even shower before a date. Please handle with care. Computer science majors aren't use to being out in open spaces among the living. They tend to be unaccustomed to the world of dating. So be kind to a kind heart. Remember they have innate stalking capabilities, and make sure the police can be easily accessed.

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
"How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired -and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

Are YOU a problem thinker?

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at
parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though,
one thought led to another, and soon I was more than
just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself.
But I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more
important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and
employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read
Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied
and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening
I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning
of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss
called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me
to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem.

If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find
another one." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss.
"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said,
"and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.
"You think as much as college professors, and college
professors don't make any money, so if you keep on
thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she
began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library,"
I snarled as I stomped out the door.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass,
a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking
ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the
standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.Which is why I am
what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss
a TA meeting.

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last
week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how
we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as
I stopped thinking.

DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO WOMEN ON WHAT MEN WANT:
The myth is that men want
* Traci Lords in the bedroom,
* Julia Child in the kitchen,
* Hazel around the house,
* Lesley Visser during a game,
* Mary Poppins for the children,
* Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic,
* Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're sick,
* Mary Richards at work,
* Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy,
* Gertrude Stein in conversation,
* the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin'
* combined with the voice of Sade, and to top it all off,
* the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because of course we don't want to feel too threatened.

So if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality?
Well, first put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear your head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex". Trick me? How about asking me? And then I'll be able to tell you I don't have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?!

All right, I'm not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to reveal the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here goes:
Here's what men want from women. One through Ten:

ONE- We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about clothes, all right? Yours OR ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and one pair of churchshoes. That's it.

TWO- Don't talk to us while the television is on, all right? Very simple: Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we don't talk.

THREE- When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Boy comes over swinging a pair of nunchucks, all right?

FOUR- Would it kill you to watch 'The Godfather' with me for the 57th time?

FIVE- Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think, "You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass."

SIX- You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks like that at "The Drink" when I was single.

SEVEN- Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a relationship lasts about as long as David Duke at a Black Panther meeting.

EIGHT- Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the cup of lima bean consomme instead of the bowl of lima bean consomme from Soup Plantation, I don't want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai, all right?

NINE- Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you don't really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I've tried crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then started thinking, "Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?"

TEN- be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light. Or if that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy blow job once in a while?

DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT:

Nowadays it seems like they want....other women. No, uhh.... some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man. Let's see, the myth is that women want:

* Brad Pitt in the bedroom,
* Brad Pitt in the kitchen,
* Brad Pitt around the house,
* Brad Pitt during a game,
* Brad Pitt when they're sick,
* Brad Pitt in conversation,
* the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall'
* combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off
* the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.

Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right?

And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women want from men.

ONE- Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

TWO- If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

THREE- Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as life givers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.

FOUR- Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo....

FIVE- This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.

SIX- When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.

SEVEN- Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.

EIGHT- Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.

NINE- Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.

TEN- When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to ask, how about a big fucking diamond the size of your head?

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

Lists, Stories, OneLiners.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
"God is my copilot. Unfortunately, we crashed in the Andes and I had to eat him."
Q: How do you get a goth out of a tree? A: Cut the rope.
Windows originally is a word of a North American Indian tribe meaning White man staring through window at hourglass
PC Magazine's article on Windows98: Microsoft hasn't claimed that general performance would be faster in Windows 98--only that it wouldn't be degraded overall, even with new features introduced.

MEMO FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE - FROM: THE TREES
StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KIll oNe CeleBrITY EacH WeEK.
theRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS."

09/14/98. "Anything tastes good if you cover it up with alcohol" -Eyeball